Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
