I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
