we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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