I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
