Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
