I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
