I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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