apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
