and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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