Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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