My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
