I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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