Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
