You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
