i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
