hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Houston, we have a blender
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
