I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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