Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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