i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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