Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
