My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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