just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
