I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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