You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
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Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
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I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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