she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
