I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
