So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
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yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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