recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
