I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
