I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
