My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
