Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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