we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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