I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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