Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
