I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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