If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
