I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
