why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
