The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
