Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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