Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
