So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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