I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
