i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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