Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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