also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
