checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
