11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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