So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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