I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
