And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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