i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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