the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
