I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina