i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
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You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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