I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.