Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
