It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
